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Windows Couldn't Connect To The User Profile Service Service (aka All Your User Profile Are Belong To Us)

SCENARIO

This happens after an upgrade to v1803 or to v1809 or to v1903.

RESOLUTION

Get the HOMEDRIVE:

get-aduser -filter * -searchbase "ou=<location>,ou=<users>,dc=<domain-name>,dc=com" -properties homedrive, homedirectory, scriptpath |ft name, homedrive, homedirectory

This will output:

name            homedrive homedirectory
----               ---------      -------------
Foo User     Z                \\server\users$\foo.user

You will see above the HOMEDRIVE is something like a capital letter. In this case: "Z"

This needs to be set as: "Z:"

In other words, it is missing the colon ":"

To implement, first get the usernames in the OU needing serviced:

$usernames = (get-aduser -filter * -searchbase "ou=<location>,ou=<users>,dc=<domain-name>,dc=com" -properties samaccountname |foreach { $_.samaccountname })

Now set the correct HOMEDRIVE value:
foreach ($username in $usernames) {set-aduser $username -homedrive Z:}

MORE INFO

This happens because the HOMEDRIVE value is set incorrectly for the update script.

There is some sort of script that is trying to move the profile (Desktop, Documents, Favorites, Pictures, Photos, Videos) to OneDrive. The script errors when the HOMEDRIVE doesn't have the colon.